Tikka Masala: Britain’s Accidental Superweapon
Tikka Masala was never intended for consumption.
Developed in 1971 by Her Majesty’s Secret Service, it was originally designed as a passive-aggressive deterrent against Scottish independence. The flavour was so emotionally destabilising that early field tests had to be discontinued after a diplomat in Leeds openly wept into his naan and signed a trade deal with himself.
Tikka Masala quickly spiralled out of control, finding its way onto pub menus, late-night takeaways, and eventually, NATO catering manuals. To this day, the British government refuses to confirm or deny its use in diplomatic negotiations.
Contrary to popular belief, Tikka Masala contains no actual masala. Or tikka. The remaining contents are protected under the Official Secrets Act and stored in a secure bunker beneath a Tesco Express in Swindon.
Secret Service Chicken Tikka Masala
Ingredients
For the Chicken Marinade:
- 500 g 500g chicken breast, cubed
- 150 g Plain Yogurt
- 1 tbsp Lemon Juice
- 1 tsp Turmeric
- 2 tsp Ground Cumin
- 2 tsp Ground Corriander
- 1 tsp Garam Masala
- 2 tsp Paprika
- 3 Cloves Garlic, Minced
- 1 inch piece Ginger, minced
- 1 tsp Red food colouring (Optional)
For the Sauce:
- 2 tbsp oil or ghee
- 1 onion, finely chopped
- 2 garlic cloves, Minced
- 1 inch ginger minced
- 1 tsp cumin
- 1 tsp paprika
- 1 tsp garam masala
- 1/2 tsp chilli powder
- 300 ml tomato puree or passata
- 100 ml water
- 100 ml double cream or coconut milk
- Salt to taste
- Fresh coriander to serve
Instructions
- In a bowl, mix all marinade ingredients. Add chicken and coat well. Marinate for 1 hour (or overnight if conducting covert flavour ops).
- Cook the chicken by grilling, roasting, or pan-frying until golden and cooked through. Set aside.
- In a pan, heat oil or ghee and sauté the chopped onion until soft and golden.
- Add garlic, ginger, and all the spices. Stir and fry until your kitchen smells like mild colonialism.
- Pour in the tomato puree and water. Simmer for 10 minutes.
- Add the cream, season to taste, and return the chicken to the sauce. Simmer for another 5 minutes.
- Garnish with coriander. Serve with rice, naan, and diplomatic immunity.
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